My Coming-Out Q&A (Part 1)

I was recently inspired by a Youtube video I watched several months ago called "Overcoming Adversities as a Gay Teen: One Generation at a Time." The video was a documentary created for a senior project by a gay high school student. In it, he interviewed various local openly gay people of all ages about their sexuality and their coming-out experiences. (This is the video—it is 90 minutes long, so I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to sit through it. But for those who do, here you go.)

To recap, the student asks everyone a series of questions and then played their responses. It is the typical interview format, but I think what was interesting was being able to see the variety of responses (or lack there of) amongst the many interviewees.

I was inspired by this project, and I wanted to do something similar. I am a firm believer in sharing our stories, because no matter how boring or mundane our story may seem to us, it is unique and has the potential to influence someone else.

So without further ado, here is my version of such a Q&A:

How old were you when you first came out?

It was about a month before my twenty-first birthday when I officially embraced that I was gay. I was a junior in college, and it was right before finals week of our fall semester—basically, around Christmas time. This had been a long time coming (See further: “Narnia Inside My Closet, Part One”, “Part Two”, and “Part Three”), but the final nudge came when I saw an openly gay, theater major’s senior show—which included his own coming out story. After seeing this play, I decided it was finally also time for me to embrace who I really was.

Did you always accept yourself?

Absolutely not. This is part of why I did not come out until I was 21 years old. If you re-read my “Narnia in My Closet” posts, I think you will quickly recognize how unaccepting I was of myself during that time in my life.

In my mind, I thought it was only possible to either be gay or be Christian. There was no both; that just seemed impossible to me. But over time I learned that I was wrong and that it was possible to be both at the same time. I learned that the two were not contradictory, but were instead complimentary. By embracing who I was as a gay man, I was able to more fully understand what being a part of God’s creation and being a Christian means.

I may not have started out thinking this way, but now I could never want to be anything else. I love who I am, and all facets of the man I have become.

What was the reaction of those around you to your coming-out?

Honestly, very good. By the time I came out, I had already surrounded myself with a group of friends who were either open gay, themselves, or were allies. So, yeah, everyone in my immediate social circle was very supportive. In fact, it was almost a celebration for us. The only real questions I was asked by them were “What was it that made you finally decide to come out now?” I am so very thankful for the love and support they gave me at this time in my life!

Of course, I did attend a private, Christian, liberal arts university, so there were some who did not celebrate with me. I did have a few friends who essentially cut ties with me all together—which I still feel is unfortunate. I had valued those friendships; but at the same time, I sit here and know that I do not need their toxic attitude around me. I do wish things could have been different with them, but sometimes you just have to work with what you are given.

Really, the hardest part of the coming-out process was telling my family and friends from my hometown—a small, close-knit, rural community located in a Midwestern state. There is where most of my shunning has been most recognizable. Not that I fear for my life or anything while I am there, I just have this distinct sense that I am not welcome. That is what I still have to cope with.

Have you ever been personally victimized or abused for being gay?

Believe it or not: no…not really. I have never had anyone who personally knew me do anything all that negative towards me. I have never been physically assaulted for being gay; I have never been called any homophobic or bigoted slurs to my face. Mostly, I just get the passive-aggressive victimization or discrimination that comes with living in a hetero-normative society.

What is that?

A hetero-normative society is one where, no matter who you are or where you come from, you are assumed to be heterosexual. Such as when you tell someone you are going on a date, and they ask “What’s her name?” not realizing the offense. Or you are talking to a new co-worker and they ask about your wife, because they assume that if you are married than you have a wife. Or if you walk into a store looking for a gift card, and all you can find in the “For Him” section is from a female point of view.

All of these things are real, everyday occurrences for gay (and lesbian) people that everyone else does not even realize on a daily basis. And of course, these are just a few examples out of many I could list. Just sit down and turn on the TV, for yourself, and I challenge you to count how many commercials you see in an hour that speak specifically to a heterosexual audience. And then try to consider how many of them could also appeal to a gay audience.

We live in a hetero-normative world. Take a walk in the shoes of a gay or lesbian person to see just how pervasive it is. 

What advice would you give to anyone who was debating about whether or not to come out themselves?

It is totally up to you whether or not you are gay. It is your choice, and no one else’s.

It is your choice whether or not you do come out. And it is your choice when you in fact come out and whom you come out to. Bottom line: it is all your choice…or, at least, it should be.

That is not to say people can’t push you out of the closet against your will, or without your permission. Indeed, it has happened all too many times before—and in my mind, this is the most unfortunate form of abuse that a gay person can receive. Yes, I think “outing” someone is abuse. Coming out should be a celebration—as it was for me—and it should be because you want to embrace yourself. Anything less is robbing you of one of the happiest moments of your life.

So while I say, “it is all your choice,” be mindful of whom you are coming out to. Make sure they know what their responsibility is for your confidentiality. And if you are having second thoughts about someone, don’t tell them. Wait until you are in the right space at the right time for you. Let your coming out, as much as possible, be on your own terms. In the end, you will be glad you did!