I quite often play soccer whenever I am home with one of my
best friends, who is currently engaged. Recently, after one of our scrimmages,
he offered to give me a ride home.
This particular time around, I had decided to walk because I
only live 5-ish blocks from the field; so I did not really think a ride from my
friend was necessary. Nevertheless, he had offered, so I thought…why not? I’ll
be courteous.
On the drive to my house he asked, “Do you like men?”
Now, to some extent I was not surprised by this. We had yet
to have the “I’m gay” conversation, so I knew it would come up eventually.
To be honest I always find the coming-out-to-people thing a
bit awkward. It is never the right time or place, and I actually find it a bit pretentious
to think that I deserve the right to just bring it up whenever I want. So
instead, I put it on Facebook and let people come around to me being gay in
their own time.
Sitting in his car, tired and sweaty from the game, I looked
at my friend and answered blatantly, “Yes.”
“Okay, it doesn’t bother me or anything,” he replied. “My
mom had seen it on Facebook and asked me about it, and I had seen it as well
but didn’t know if it was true or not; so I thought I would ask.”
I casually said something about being out for about a year-and-a-half
now, and being in the process of letting people know. [It actually is not
relevant for this blog post.]
“Well, the reason I bring it up,” he continued, “is because we
would like to invite you to our wedding, and we would like to give you the
opportunity to bring a guest. However, out of respect for my parents’ wishes,
we would ask if you do bring a guest that it be female.”
Now, I actually have known the bride- and groom-to-be very
well for quite a long time—I would not miss their wedding for anything—but this
is not at all what I had expected from him. To be honest I get a little annoyed
at how simple-minded people can be—I’m not talking about my friend here so much
as his parents, whether they realized their insensitivity or not.
I know for most of you, their request implies this: We would
like you there because of your friendship, but we do not like that you are gay.
We want the wedding to go off without a hitch, and we do not want you making a
scene amongst the party guests by bringing a guy and being overly touchy-feely
with him.
Fine. I understand that, but that is not what it says to me.
Their request actually disturbed me.
For starters, why would I even bring someone to their
wedding in the first place? The only time someone gets invited to a wedding where
they are not connected to either the bride or the groom is in the case of a
spouse or very significant-other. I unfortunately do not have either; and even
if I did I do not think I would bring them anyways. So to me, this request
seemed to be a bit redundant and unnecessary.
But I think the fact that they asked me says something deeply
profound about the state of the acceptance of homosexuality in my native region.
Believe it or not, this reminds me a great deal of the film
Brokeback Mountain—you know, that “gay cowboy” movie that was highly
controversial several years back…. I had to write a film analysis paper on it
in college; so I have seen it more times than I can count, and I know the story
like the back of my hand.
Now before you get all worked up about it, I suggest you
actually watch the film. Brokeback Mountain is actually very well written,
directed, and performed. And if you ask me, it is really not a movie for gay
people.
Yes, Brokeback Mountain incorporates gay themes, but to me
it is primarily a film for people who do not know any gay people and for people
who do not know how to deal with their issues with homosexuality.
Go on; if you have never seen the film then go watch it
right now (it is currently on Instant Play on Netflix). I will wait for you.
….
Done? Good.
As I am sure you already know—that is if you actually took
the time to watched it like I asked you to—this story is set back in the 1960s in
Wyoming, in a time where the mere mention of the word “gay” was enough to get
your face pounded in with a tire iron and your **** ripped off. It takes place
in a time when culture shoved you so far into the closet you discovered Narnia
(*wink*).
Now, I am not saying I am under threat of being killed for
being gay. Thankfully, that is now considered a ‘hate crime.’ But I am saying
that the same cultural idea and attitude still perseveres today.
That attitude imbues every word of my friend’s request for
me to only bring a female guest to his wedding. It is the type of back-alley racism—or
“sexism” rather—that people still turn a blind-eye to today. And it is the
subtle intolerance that I have to put up with all the time, which I have spent
countless time and energy trying to eradicate.
To me, that request says, “It makes us feel uncomfortable,
so we want you to shove it out of sight and out of mind.” And if you have yet to realize it, this is exactly the idea
that African-Americans fought with segregation, that women fought with traditional
gender roles, etc.
I am being told to climb back into the closet I came from,
and to that I say, “NO!"
Come on, people, I thought we had settled this already?!
 |
| "It is better to be hated for what you are than be loved for what you are not" |
Just because something makes you uncomfortable does not mean
in the Unites States of America that you have the right to hold sway over what
others can and cannot do. Just because something makes you uncomfortable does
not make you a victim.
Honestly, who is the real victim here? The people who have
to sit by as other people do things that make them feel uncomfortable? Or the
people who have to suppress who they are to appease those who disapprove?
Now, I am not trying to start a riot or anything in my
small, rural town in the Midwest. And to be honest, I hope I am vastly
over-exaggerating the intentions of my friend’s parents. But I cannot just sit
by and let this go unnoticed.
I wanted to respond to his request with utter disgust, with
every bit of hurt it inflicted upon me. I wanted to scream.
…however, instead I calmly responded, “Oh, that’s okay.
I don’t have a boyfriend right now anyways.”
I just let it go, I brushed if off like it meant nothing.
But honestly, it means everything.
What does it mean when the family of one of my best friends from childhood does not want to acknowledge my love for someone? Is that not what marriage is about: celebrating the love we
have for the people around us? Why am I the exception?
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