Critique: "Embrace Gay Marriage NOT Gay Culture"

In my last student newspaper article at my university, right before I graduated, I wrote an article that generally made the point that affirming gay marriage does not automatically also affirm gay culture. Now since then, I have realized the error of my ways in writing that article—which is why I am posting an altered version of that article in my blog.

To be honest, I would prefer for you just to read this one and forget about the other one. But for those of you who did read my initial article, it may be good to realize that you will recognize many portions of this post. Do not be alarmed. (I am pretty sure this does not count as plagiarism…I think….)

Now, as you may or may not have already realized: I had the privilege—and the curse—of growing up in a part of the country that kept the broader gay community out of sight and out of mind. I did not have gay pride parades going down Main Street in my hometown—or in any town, for that matter, within a 50 mile radius. So when I came out at the age of 21, boy was I in for a surprise!

In my original article, I wrote:

Now, it appears to me that the “gay culture” is pretty much all about copious amounts of sex, drugs, and…um…[insert music style here]. No one gives a thought towards commitment, there is only rampant promiscuity; no concern for relationships, just self-gratifying individualism. I really cannot tell you how many people go home every evening from night clubs with guys whose names they do not even know, only to wake up the next morning in an empty bed in a cheap motel room, not even remembering what the other guy looked like.

Is this seriously what I have to be associated with?!

None of that is me—and honestly, as a Christian I am as repulsed by it as you are.

The problem with characterizing “gay culture” in such a way is that there is nothing particularly unique about it. In fact, minus the “gay” sticker labeling that description, I wonder how many people would actually think of gay people when they hear those individual activities being described on their own. Far more often, these are acts that people would associate with young heterosexual crowds rather than the gay ones.

Furthermore, it would seem logical that someone interested in getting married—whether heterosexual or homosexual—is probably not someone who simultaneously would be actively engaging in these activities (of course, this is not a statement that I have proven through research and experimentation, but I would venture to say it is accurate more time than not).

The simple reality is that there are a lot of gay people who do not  fit into that cultural mold. And to assume that we are all a part of that culture, right after finding out that we are gay, is actually very insulting.

I actually grew up with the assumption (before accepting myself as a gay man) that I would get married and have kids and…well, you know the rest of the story. But after coming out, I still just want to get married like everyone else. Nothing really has changed other than I am now looking in a different direction—the one which I believe to be right for me. I want a man to spend the rest of my life with—yes, I did say that right: “a man”…as in one.

One man to care for, who will care for me; to love, who will love me; to support and protect in times of trouble, who will support and protect me; to comfort in times of mourning, who will comfort me; to make into the best person he can possibly be, who will do the same for me. And if that man is open to adopting children, we will accept a child abandoned by his/her parents into our home and do everything we possibly can to give them the opportunity to do and be whatever he or she wants to be as an adult in our society.

Why does that level of commitment not deserve to be celebrated with the label of marriage? What about that threatens to destroy the sanctity of marriage?

To be honest, marriage is something that has been evolving ever since the 1st Century CE. If you want to know what “destroyed the institution of marriage,” look at the change in the economic and domestic culture of America in the 70’s and 80’s.

Around that time, marriage stopped being an economic necessity. Prior to that, childbirth was essential because children could work at accomplishing basic household needs for free; in other words, children = free manual labor. Add to that the fact that women before then were not allowed to own property or enter into legal contracts on their own.

But around that time, society and culture started to shift. The alteration of gender roles (i.e. more women moving out from the homes into the work place) meant that providing for a family’s basic needs were much easier because there was a second source of income. And with the second source of income, children were no longer a necessity but a luxury. One had kids because one wanted to have kids, not because it was a vital way to make money.

Thus, with that change in the 70’s and 80’s the meaning of marriage also changed. After that, it really started to be about love and romance, and not about good economic incentives. And it is that shift that, I believe, opened the door to reasonably allow gay and lesbian couples to join in the celebration.

The current revolution of marriage—which everyone is worried will happen if they allow gay marriage—already happened in heterosexual marriages years ago. So when I ask for gay marriage, I am not really asking for much. Trust me, I have no intention of destroying the institution of marriage; I just want to be a part of it.