The Importance of a Supporting Community

Since coming home, I have been reminded of something important, something I already knew of, but had become so accustom to that I took it for granted: Community.

A novel idea, I know, coming from a Mennonite; but do not let my sarcasm fool you. Having a support network around you to help you is very important…especially when you are gay.

I do not think people realize how important it really is until they see us, first hand, breaking down in their arms or in their presence after a big encounter occurs. Let me help you understand what I mean.

Someone confronts you about your sexual orientation—part of your sexuality, which is naturally something that is deeply personal for most people. You feel vulnerable, like they are peering straight into your soul.

Immediately, whether it is justified or not, feelings of shame emerge; followed by a myriad of other emotions that threaten to overtake your calm, composed demeanor.

In order to keep it under control, you completely shut off the valve of emotions (at least I do anyways)—just to make it through a deeply stressful conversation. You lock it all away for a more opportune time later. After what typically ends up being over an hour of insensitive discussion, you leave the situation.

Immediately, you walk to a safe space—the term we generally reserve for any place where we can fell completely safe from any form of violence, judgment, etc.; a place we are free to be ourselves.

Usually, this ends up being anywhere you can be alone with your closest group of friends. And this is important because it allows you to return back to normal. It essentially allows you to be human once again, because when you find that safe space, you let all your emotions back out into the open.

You open back up that valve to your emotional spectrum, releasing all of the built-up pressure and all of the backed up thoughts and feelings that were dangerous to express and experience before. And for ten or fifteen minutes you just sit there, embraced by the ones who love you, while the tears stream down your cheeks.

The original discussion could even have been great for you and the other person in building understanding and personal growth, and yet this break-down invariably will still occur because of the emotional shutdown.

And again, this importance of community is something that, as a Mennonite, I should not be surprised with. After all, Mennonites have flown the ‘community’ banner ever since Anabaptism first started. But being gay has really given me a new perspective on it.

So why does this happen? It does not, even for me, seem like a healthy thing to go through.

Simple. This process is an instinctual defense mechanism for survival in moments of complete vulnerability. It is just how the human mind and body work.

All of this, I have learned to accept for myself; I know what is coming before it happens—I anticipate it. But I really did not realize how important community was to this whole process until I came home for the summer, leaving my support group of close friends behind.

I had one or two very close calls; one or two encounters where I was not certain how things would turn out. And suddenly, I realized: I had no one to turn to; no one there to hold me up and support me, to encourage me on; no one I could trust completely.

In those moments, I felt the deepest sense of vulnerability and loneliness I have ever felt in my life. I legitimately was scared.

Fortunately, we now have these amazing devices we like to call “cell phones” that allowed me to at least call someone I trusted. I was able to talk to them for a couple of hours while I calmed myself down and gained some perspective—even though they were not physically right beside me.

Of course, I am not saying that vulnerability is a bad thing. I think it is important (the video at the end is about that), but I think vulnerability is most helpful when it is mutually present. When all parties become vulnerable, that is when something beautiful can happen.

I think the real problem is not that we (as gay people) are being forced into moments of vulnerability, but that more people are not actively engaging in vulnerability with us. The problem is that too many people are paralyzed by the fear of vulnerability. Too many people are scared to be vulnerable with the community around them, when it is actually vulnerability that creates that community.