My Coming-Out Q&A (Part 2)

In a recent post, I imitated the senior project of the high school student who interviewed the life stories of several gay people. I was inspired by the documentary, and decided to do a similar thing myself.

To recap, I previously answered these questions about myself: How old were you when you first came out? Did you always accept yourself [as a gay man]? What was the reaction of those around you? Have you ever been personally victimized or abused for being gay? What is hetero-normative society? What advice would you give to anyone who was debating about whether or not to come out as gay?

This time, I will be focusing more on the questions regarding my own perception or subjective understanding of my homosexuality. This post will be about my relation to my homosexuality itself, rather than about my relationships with others. I hope it will be just as insightful for you as before.

So without further ado, here it goes:

What is it like being gay?

I always find this question to be strange. I never how to answer it.

My gut reaction is to say: normal (if we can say there actually is such a thing). I do not think there is necessarily anything special to being gay. Believe it or not, there is no unique aura about gay people that straight people do not have.

We all share a universal characteristic of humanity: we all have a desire to love and be loved. The only difference with gay people is that we experience this universal desire with people of our own gender rather than with people of the opposite gender. Beyond that, I do not believe there is a difference. When two people—no matter who they are—find each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, that is a beautiful thing.

When did you first realize you were gay?

Sometime in junior high; basically during puberty. I do not remember exactly when it was, but I remember that first moment vividly.

I was at a basketball game sitting in the bleachers with all my classmates. Then, one of the popular boys in my class turned to me an asked me if I masturbated….

[This really should not surprise anyone, most kids from my generation learn everything there is to know about sex from their fellow peers—and there are plenty of statistics out there to support this. Although, I should also say at this point that I have yet to determine if this was an incident of bullying; you can argue that it was, I just cannot remember enough about the situation to accurately tell for myself.]

…Anyways, I did not know what that was at the time, so he not-so-discretely demonstrated the “motions” of it for me. [He did not actually do it, though.] Needless to say, I was very embarrassed—not because the topic was sexual in nature, but because I was actually turned on at the sight of his “How to” demonstration. Luckily the group conversation carried on to something else, and I had the chance to escape from the situation.

Can you explain more about how this experience helped you to realize you were gay?

This experience is significant because it is the first memory I have of the development of my sexual feelings of love (eros). From that moment on—whether it was healthy or not (and I would be inclined to say it was not)—I had a huge crush on this boy that extended the next several years, well into high school. I mean, I assessed myself in various ways, but it was always with my crush on this boy, with this specific memory in mind.

Now I must admit that this is still a source of shame for me to admit. But at the same time, I reassure myself all the time that it was something that I did not really have any control over. Remember, this was all happening during puberty—during a time where one’s hormones run wild without any ability to regulate them whatsoever.

So it is actually quite easy to see how, at my age, I would not have been able to control who I found to be attractive. I simply had no control over it. And it was not until I finally matured enough to control my emotions that I was able to get rid of this crush for good.

Would say that this is a common experience for gay teens?

I mean, honestly, I can only truly speak for myself. But at the same time, I would be willing to bet that straight-crushes for gay teens are more common than not. When you throw in the uncontrollable influence of puberty into the mix, you do not really understand what you are doing and things get messy. It practically seems inevitable to me.

That being said, I think far too many straight people unnecessarily have a fear of gay people crushing on them. I mean, during the teenage years it may happen; but as we grow in maturity, we grow the ability to regulate who we become attracted to. And by the end of the college years, it is foolish to think that someone should not be able to control himself or his emotions and sexual urges.

[Don’t get me wrong, there are people (i.e. sex offenders) out there who, for whatever reason, do not. And we need to recognize that these people exist out there in the real world. But to think that EVERYONE (or an entire group of people) is a sex offender is paranoia.]

I mean, think about it rationally: if we all share a desire to love and be loved in return (like I have said), why would a gay person waste their time with someone who is never going to love them back (i.e. straight)? In fact, regardless of being gay or straight, why would anyone do that? What is the point in it?

These ideas are simply based on stereotypes that either do not exist or exist in a very small number of people, and I think it is unjust to condemn the many for the sins of a few.

After having said all of this, are you still so sure that being gay is normal?

I mean…yes and no.

I think the mere fact that someone is gay is not specifically abnormal in any way. That being said, I would say in terms of the “experience” of living life, there probably is a definite reality that is unique for gay people. We are forced to live in a world, in a society, where we are a definite minority.

No matter which statistic you choose (I tend to think that around 3%-5% of the population is gay) we are vastly outnumbered—which, in turn, perpetuates the reality of living in a hetero-normative society. And I think that is what is unique, because unlike most other minorities—which tend to have physical identifiers, such as skin color, to separate them apart from everyone else—homosexuality is invisible to the eye. So, we are all too often mistaken for being heterosexual; and that is the hetero-normative experience of gay people.

And this can only be equated by living in an environment for a period of time where you are in the minority: make an extended visit in a foreign country, try communicating in a city where almost no one speaks you language, attend a sporting event in the home venue of your fiercest rivals who may become hostile towards you (since I am a huge soccer fan, attend a USA vs. Mexico game in Mexico City), etc.

In all of these situations, there is a unique camaraderie that spontaneously grows with people who identify with you…which is simultaneously a big reason why gay people congregate together in urban areas. We want to find people who experience life like we do; who will not mistake us for what we are not, but will instead recognize and appreciate us for who we are.

Surely, then, this must make dating easier for you?

Well…not necessarily, it is really just two sides of the same coin. Yes, we are all congregated together; so it is not hard to find a gay person. But on the other hand, that does not necessarily mean the right person will just fall into your lap. Gay relationships require the same amount of effort, time, and commitment; and while some people are just meant for each other, others are not.

Everyone has a preference. Just because we are gay does not automatically mean we are all perfect for each other. Humans, in general, are very diverse. There are many different kinds of people out there. That diversity does not diminish when it comes to the smaller population that is the gay community. The problem is not about finding a gay person; it is about finding a gay person that is right for us.

I mean, look at it from the other side. Heterosexual people have a gigantic selection around them to choose from (95%-97% of the population, from my reckoning). They must find is SO EASY to find someone to love! Right? … [sarcasm alert] … Who you are attracted to is not enough to build a relationship on by itself. I do think attraction should be a part of the equation, but there is just so much more to it than that…even for gay people.